I took time to say THANK YOU at Church. I was always taught that THANK YOU was the most important form of prayer...
It is hard to go into detail about my gratitude list, partly because I signed contracts with confidentiality clauses, and partly because sometimes it just feels good to embrace the moment for what it is...
I can share that I’m grateful for sons who remain loving, grateful, and grounded. My Ate has been taking them out every other day to keep them entertained, and my heart swelled when she told me that after each meal they both always thanked her, thanked all the people working in the restaurants, and were very accommodating towards all the people who asked them for pictures. Last night after dinner, my Ate checked if they were safely home. She told me Bimb immediately replied to her text, “Yes, we’re home. Thank you for caring tita Ballsy.”
The 2 haven’t grown up in a conventional setting. Since birth they have been exposed and judged by the public. But I’m really proud that the attention hasn’t had a negative impact on them - on the contrary, my 10 year old is mature and responsible. They have never resented the demands on them because of who their mom is - instead I know I’ve instilled in them the feeling of being thankful that we have a comfortable life because there are people who continue to enjoy watching their mom and get glimpses of our lives.
I think I’ve shared this - I don’t sugarcoat things for Bimb & I let him read the sometimes hurtful & bullying comments because I want him to see life from all sides, and I want him to have full knowledge of what is out there - so that he has the free will to tell me when he doesn’t want to be a part of any additional vlogs & webisodes. We made that deal - I told him that as a parent my foremost duty is to take care of him, and I’ll be doing a good job if he feels the freedom to tell me he can still handle it, or if he wants out.
Being away from them for a week has also taught me something so valuable - I became the person I am because ayaw kong mapahiya sa mga anak ko... I read some of my followers discussing on their thread that I was “like a phoenix that rose from the ashes” and I acknowledge that the strength to keep going came from not wanting to have 2 boys see their mama as having given up. I refuse to ever be weak because Kuya Josh and Bimb only have me to rely on and be their support system. Being needed, more accurately the foremost job requirement of being a single parent is that you remain strong through all trials because there’s no one there to lean on - that was what pushed me to keep trying.
I know that I am blessed because financially I can afford the best possible health care for me... I also know that I need to listen to everything the doctors told me as far as preventive care, stress management, and prioritizing wellness is concerned. It was very hard to explain the fear of saying NO to work opportunities... That’s still something I need to pray more about. I’ve been without, and for as long as I can help it - I have zero intention of ever being in that vulnerable situation again.
So ultimately I still need to learn the art of BALANCE... it’s weird how 1 week abroad for medical reasons can change my perspective about so many things. I now see that as much as I wish I could be the girl who could choose to walk away from all of it - for a peaceful and loving home - I would be miserable after a couple of months. By stating this openly and honestly I know I’m pretty much closing the door on my happily ever after wishes - but I searched my heart since I did have so much time to just be introspective and I saw that there’s still so much I wish to accomplish.
It’s like I’m hearing my mom remind me that someone like me will always have to choose - because my level of fame requires so much time and effort, and I am also hearing my Ate’s voice saying that I have done a great job on my own in raising those 2 boys - realistically as much as I’ve prayed to have someone to share my life with, to just talk to after a long day of work - who would really be comfortable with a partner who needs to put in the hours I do, who has back to back films to shoot, who has a commitment to travel nonstop for work and shoot as many webisodes and endorsements as I have signed up for, and most importantly because of the nature of the job - has given the public the right to have an opinion on her most personal feelings and choices?
I signed up for this and I think you will all agree - I have never complained about people minding my business because when I signed those contracts with those several paragraphs regarding decency, propriety, and behavior as a celebrity representing a brand that is worth in the hundreds of millions or billions, I was mature enough to know this wasn’t a one sided deal with only my bank account benefiting. I have always known from when all those endorsement contracts came in what was expected of me.
The last blog entry you read was from a frightened girl who was scared about what the doctors might tell her so she was creating a scenario where walking away seemed romantic and believable... I’m a more informed girl, now more aware of my physical limitations. And more than that, i don’t want to be rescued because i am living the life my Creator wants for me, raising 2 boys who need me, and i am confident that even on my own i already have all the motivation i need to keep going. I will paraphrase something beautiful i read this week- when life has shown you your WHY, you will always find your ways to figure out the what fors and the hows.