I've got so much love (love)
Got so much patience (patience)
I've learned from the pain (pain)
I turned out amazing (turned out amazing)
I've loved and I've lost (yeah, yeah)
But that's not what I see (yeah, yeah)
'Cause look what I've found (yeah, yeah)
Ain't no need for searching
And for that, I'll say
Thank you, next
This Ariana song’s been on repeat mode. No, this won’t be a post naming Exes...her message resonates deeply with me.
i learned about LOVE when i saw my longtime assistant Alvin, breaking down immediately after seeing me that Thursday night after i text him what we’d been warned to closely monitor in San Francisco in March, seemed to now be a reality that September 27. He tried his best to remain strong when both his parents went through serious illnesses in the past several years- but it’s now so deeply embedded in my memory how broken he looked when i showed initial blood test results and assessment. He kept saying “NO, hindi po yan” and he wasn’t embarrassed to show me all his tears.
in 14 years we’ve been together almost everyday. While pregnant with Bimb, he became the expert in pricking my fingers, before & after each meal, to drop blood in the blood sugar monitor because i had gestational diabetes. He followed the hospital staff when Bimb was delivered while i was in the recovery room, because he felt “what if they switched babies?” He is Kuya Josh’s preferred “kasabay” when eating.
Every checkup & for all my medical procedures he’s been with me, and he’s kept meticulous files. He was there during my mom’s last few weeks in Makati Med just in case i wanted food bought or errands done. For every single campaign sortie, relief operation, and keeping my work calendar feasible- he’s been a dependable one man team.
When my professional life was in limbo, he stuck it out even with no assurance if i still had a career to bring back to life.
I learned patience from my doctors because of my illness. You have so many tests done but regardless of how advanced or sophisticated the laboratories are, there’s still a 1 week to 10 day minimum wait for results. Medication, the correct calibration, the best time to take them, the proper combination, the monitoring of side effects, and being told to please give some of them a month because there’s a cumulative effect, and the subsequent changing of those that disagreed with me- they have all been PATIENCE building blocks.
I am also learning patience from now being the real girl boss. Rochelle because of her years in govt with my brother understands that everything needs proper permits & authorization.
Ernan & Krisa have been instrumental in the uploads you all get to view, but those go through client and ASC approval. So i constantly ask, when will we get to see what we shot? They show me daily production budgets for me to approve. And before i actually shoot, i am the sole signatory for all KCAP payables. Exhausting and really a test of dedication- but we work as a team and get things accomplished.
Every moment i start worrying, and become impatient, i re-read these verses:
Matthew 6:27 NIV Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
i learned pain... There are many things that changed for me in the past 3 months. My outlook on life was altered significantly because choosing transparency- September 27, 2018 forced me to face my mortality.
I am sparing myself and my sons the sharing of complete details, because anyway i know that you are all intelligent. The fact we flew to Singapore on September 30, and on October 2 i went to a respected medical expert- an allergy, rheumatoid, and immunology specialist is enough of an indication that time was of the essence.
My initial diagnosis here was alarming, primarily because all of the medicine i could take to battle the illness my blood tests indicated i had, they weren’t viable for me. The first 3 lines of defense NSAIDS (i am severely allergic to all), CORTICOSTEROIDS (contraindicated with my hypertension medication), and immunosuppressants (they may make a patient more prone to infection and my lungs are vulnerable, thus having an illness like pneumonia would be more serious for me, so the risks far outweighed whatever benefit they may bring) couldn’t be options.
There is a quote i read, “What you fear the most reveals what you VALUE the most. What you fear the most reveals where you TRUST God the least.” I cried nonstop and so did Bimb. My main fear was that my 11 year old would not have me during those crucial mid-teen years. Kuya Josh is technically an adult and i have no doubt that his tito Noy will take him in. But what would happen to my bunso?
There is no pain equivalent to seeing my child crying the entire night because he was made to face something inevitable yet a passage we as parents all believe would happen many years from now.
Look what you taught me... it came out in my psychological evaluation during my annulment proceedings that i grew up equating a mother’s love with being a provider, a nurturer, and a protector. It also acknowledged that i had trouble sharing decision making because for all but 3 of my 38 years (i was 39 when the testing was done) i was shaped primarily by my mom’s central role in my life. She was by virtue of history forced to make our critical life choices and be the only person i believed had the right combination of love and wisdom that made me respect and trust her judgment completely.
So for all of you saying that i am a difficult woman to love, i agree 100%. I chose this life, and my children know no other form of living. So many of us have made mistakes in the same way we have also been victorious over adversity... but imagine 100 million people having access to judge your life and give an opinion about your decisions?
I have been taught by recent trials and triumphs, i can have most of my dreams come true, but not all of them. I go back to a conversation my Mom and i had when Bimb’s father and i were nearing the end of our union. My Mom said that unfortunately for me, regardless of how much we’ve progressed, successful women will still have to sacrifice a portion of their lives. She said to look into my future about what would really matter. And prioritize what gave me fulfillment.
I knew it would hurt her deeply for me to not be allowed to leave my chosen profession consigned to oblivion, so i refused to be written off because i earned the privilege of crafting my ending... i do not ever want her disappointed that my boys aren’t financially secure, especially kuya josh. So on that matter i know that on my own i have been a hard working and generous provider... when she disapproved about relationships i’d chosen, she would tell me, “why are you undervaluing yourself and settling for temporary?” My autoimmune condition has no cure thus it requires putting my needs first. That’s why the prayer for a life partner was thrown out of my bucket list. i am perfectly and wholeheartedly CONTENT being a MOTHER.
For both my career and parenting, my efforts have been more than just rewarded- the completeness i feel from the love and devotion of my sons have far surpassed whatever occasional loneliness i have felt in not having committed companionship.
I am no longer searching for my life’s WHY. Because i have learned to be grateful for each new day, each door that has opened, for every person who has expressed support and given me the gift of prayers, and i am grateful i now know who will always matter, and who actually never did.
I am most grateful i’m unafraid to be a person ready to be held accountable for how she has lived. Because it has been a wonderful life, filled with enough faith that i know i can still give my sons enough both simple yet meaningful and exceptional memories to sustain them in the way i have stayed strong because of all my mom left behind in my heart.
THANK YOU. For the priceless gift of allowing me into your lives, and giving me the encouragement to no longer look back in regret, but to be resilient and passionately look forward to what is NEXT.