I‘m writing this as my way of celebrating a birthday that I fought hard to make meaningful... it is also being written because February 10 when we board that PAL flight- I promised my doctor to enjoy my time with my sons and my “me time”...
I love my work- my sisters were expressing their concern about me overdoing it again- but that’s me- this is my passion. And I promised to never shortchange our clients & brand partners, my viewers, and most of all myself by giving half-assed uploads. In my super straight forward language I told my sisters would they rather have an unhealthy kris because she was feeling sad & empty, or would they prefer a very happy Kris who sometimes has to face up to the reality that working straight no matter how self-fulfilling it may be, is not proper self care?
We agreed to a 3 days work, 1 day REST compromise - and as I write this a feasible calendar for the rest of 2018 is being worked out. Yes- I am very aware, I cannot take “this” with me, and as my sister Pinky pointed out- I do have a 10 year old who deserves to not feel responsible for having to take care of both his Kuya and his Mama...
I think I have openly spoken of this on several occasions- for so long career success was my shield against relationship rejection. I survived being cheated on while pregnant during my marriage and yet when I finally filed for annulment the public took it against me because my ex-husband managed to squeeze the poor, powerless boy being cast aside by the rich, powerful girl storyline... How many fights did we quietly have within our family because I was instructed to keep quiet, let the court decide, and pay the price and hopefully learn from my impulsive behavior...
I again mistakenly thought forever was in my horizon in 2014, and sadly it was not. Truth is- I kept hoping all the way until 2016 that a magic wand would be waved and he’d love me and make good on his promises... when that didn’t happen, I also stopped loving myself. And that is what caused all those doors to close.
You will never read me complain about politics because I was born into a much worse situation, and I know how exhilarating yet fleeting proximity to power is. So my loss of luster was because for a period of time, I lost my “eye of the tiger”- that drive to excel... Life is a choice, or more accurately a series of choices. I grew up to be unflinchingly REALISTIC about it- in a home where everything was held together, seemingly effortlessly by my Mom. She had no choice- that was her burden and our salvation.
So at almost 47 years old (at the time of this writing) the exact age my Mom was when we went to Boston to live in exile- I’ve come to the conclusion that my unquestionable work ethic is no longer a protective coat to erase in my psyche the wrong relationship choices of my past, it’s now the legacy I wish to leave for my children.
So that when Bimb is asked about his Mom he will always be confident in answering that “She loves Kuya and me so much that’s why she works so hard to provide for us BUT she’s also always there- it’s not like we ever feel that she’s not around even if she’s super busy.”
My work motivation used to be my way to salvage my wrongs, to win back my Mom’s trust, and ultimately to make her proud of me. I can never celebrate my birthday without honoring my Mom... But I feel NOW, I’ve finally evolved into what she always prayed I would be- a woman who worked hard for her success, shares the credit and makes the effort to affirm jobs well done by those working for and with her, someone who knows how to express sincere gratitude for blessings and kindnesses, and most importantly a Mother who knows that her boys will always come first.
Trust me when I say it is difficult to stay grounded and down to earth when you are me... There is the most flattering adulation and also the most vitriolic bastardization of my existence. BUT- I finally found the best parts of me through the love of my 2 sons. I thrive most because they need me, and my bunso, whom I believe heaven molded in his outspokenness so that I can experience 200% of what my Mom had to endure from me-never sugarcoats, sometimes gives way more information than even I am ready for, but has unwavering faith in me and my abilities, and most of all, is just so naturally compassionate and innately caring that when I pray- all I can now do is say THANK YOU GOD because you gave me sons who make me appreciate today, and make me look forward to every single tomorrow.
This is also a heartfelt thank you from a woman who last birthday had simply prayed to be able to accept that her time had run its course and she was just asking God to instill gratitude in her heart for all that was, and to give her the acceptance to no longer crave for what wasn’t... And this year all she can do is say THANK YOU GOD, for rewarding my surrender to Your will with blessings far beyond anything I could have ever deserved.
So I now return a prayer for all of you, that for my birthday in 2019 may my THANK YOU be on behalf of all those who need the gift of God’s unmerited Grace and the reassurance that faith in His goodness and generosity is never ignored. God bless us all with hearts fulfilled. Please remember as I have the privilege to every day of my life, we are all LOVED.